Voluntary Poverty Hardcase Survival Pinto Bean Sludge

1. Take one 50-lb sack Dipstick County pinto beans. Remove cockleburs, stones, horseshit, ants, lizards, etc. Wash in cold clear crick water. Soak 24 hours in cast-iron kettle or earthenware pot. (Do not use Teflon, aluminium, or Pyrex. This warning cannot be overstressed.)
2. Place kettle or pot with beans on low fire, simmer for 24 hours. (Do not pour off water in which beans have soaked. Very important.) Fire must be of juniper, pinon pine, scrub oak, mesquite, or ironwood. Other fuels may tend to modify or denigrate the subtle flavor and delicate bouquet of Pinto Bean Sludge.
3. Do not boil. Add water when necessary.
4. Stir gently from time to time with wooden spoon.
5. After simmering, add one gallon green chilies. Stir gently. Avoid bruising beans. Add one-half quart pure natural sea salt. During following 12 hours stir frequently and add additional flavoring as desired, such as, for example, ham hocks. Or bacon rinds. Or saltpork, corncobs, kidney stones, jungle boots, tennis shoes, jockstraps, cinch straps, whatnot, old saddle blanket, use your own judgment. Simmer additional 24 hours.
6. Ladle as many servings as desired from pot but do not remove pot from fire. Allow to simmer continuously thru following days and weeks, or until contents totally consumed. Stir from time to time, gently, when in vicinity. (Do not abuse beans.)
7. Serve Voluntary Poverty Hardcase Survival Pinto Bean Sludge on small flat rocks that have been warmed in sun. If flat rocks not available, any convenient fairly level surface will do. After serving, slather beans generously with salsa, ketchup, or barbecue sauce. Garnish with sprigs of fresh sagebrush. (Your guest will be amused and pleased.)
8. One cauldron of Pinto Bean Sludge, as specified above, will feed one starving artist for approximately two weeks. A grain supplement, such as rice, wheat, or maize, is needed for full protein complement.
9. The philosopher Pythagoras declared flatulence incompatible with thought and meditation. For this reason he forbade the eating of beans in his ashram. We have found, however, that thorough cooking ameliorates the condition, and custom (or solitude) alleviates the social embarrassment.